Part 6: 06 - More Like ShoeHorn Wastes, amirite?
06 - More Like ShoeHorn Wastes, amirite?
[The SnowHorn wastes are the first 'real' zone in the game in that it is not functionally a dungeon with a clear endpoint (such as Kyrstal's jaunt through the Krazoa Palace). The first segment (ignoring the parts before we met Tricky) is fairly linear.]
[The first segment is little more than a long gully with a few SharpClaw in it. About halfway through we meet up with this douchebag.]
[I have no clue what this little cunt is called, but they pop up with no warning (so even on repeat playthroughs it's unlikely you'll remember their exact location) and claw at you once or twice. After that you can kill them in one or two hits (not even a full combo like with SharpClaws; they're pretty weak), but they try and submerge, so you need to be quick or it'll be the same shit again. In the interest of simplicity within the LP I'll call them Pouncers.]
[Speaking of which, because of the stupid fucking Pouncers, I couldn't get a good screenshot of what just happened: Tricky went barreling ahead to attack the SharpClaw camped ahead and ended up getting chased around.]
Haha! Run, Fatty McGee! You're the fatest!
Whatever, it's not like I have a health bar. Aw.
[Another brief fight where only one guy attacks you at a time. Now, I've been watching the bystanders (since you barely need to pay attention to combat; block until the controller vibrates > attack > ??? > kill yourself) and it's kind of amusing to watch them. They hop back and forth and take pointless swings (they're always too far to hit you), so I like to imagine their little squeals and grunts are SharpClaw code for:]
Come oooooooon, Billy-bob! I want to be his punching bag! Hurry uuuuuuuuup![Inane musings aside...]
Bitch, you crazy?
What, are you going to threaten to choke me now? Anyway, if you want me to come back...
I'll fucking heel you...[The only real use for Heel is to negate a Stay command. Tricky has crazy suction cup feet or some shit because even if you just spent 30 seconds climbing a wall he'll appear up top before you even get there. Anyways, with the area cleared out we begin The Lootination. No stone unlifted, no scarab unpicked up, no patch of earth undug up, no GrubTub mercilessly unbeaten.]
[And for our rape of nature, Fox is sucked into a glowing hole in the ground. Woohah, bitches.]
Hell yes! I didn't think there would be more places like this. Please let it be a homing missile launcher. Uh, a...magical homing missile launcher.
Come on, big money! Big money!
Laaaaame.Meh, it's like a bigger magazine.
It's just not the same. 
[Heading back up to the clearing we find this peculiar fellow standing about.]
What the fuck are you doing here?
There were like twelve crates of food in this clearing alone! Yeah, but you ate them all, fatass. First come, first serve. 
Wait, if he doesn't eat Dumbledore Pods and Hockey Puks or whatever the fuck, then that means...
Jesus H Christ riding a pogo stick!Ok.
...
Holy crap, that's rancid. Ok, let's not get distracted. How did a Wooly Mammoth get stuck on this planet? I mean, you clearly aren't a dinosaur.
Wooly mammoth? I, sir, am a SnowHorn. Wait...secondary capital letter in a proper noun consisting of two seperate nouns...You are a fucking dinosaur?! How does that shit work? Dinosaurs were from the Mesozoic, wooly mammoths were from the Pleistocene! That's a 64 million year difference, you cocksuckers! ...
Are you trying to bribe me into ignoring this? Is it working? ...Yes.[As with almost all platform/adventure games SFA aims to prevent sequence breaking, and this is one of the primary methods. At several points you can find NPCs and other...things that will require you to pay a fee that is only possible with a larger wallet. The ancillary benefit in this circumstance is that we can now buy all but one thing from the Store.]
Wait, I heard that! We have to buy more shit?You have no idea.
[When you feed the mammoth (
SnowHorn!) another root he causes a geyser to cease functioning which in turn drops a block of ice that we can push and slide around. The system for doing so is sadly a bit tedious (and besides, it's a fucking BLOCK PUZZLE). Anyway, doing so nets us a few Fuel Cells and access to the next area (notice that you can't get to the next area until you have the wallet 
).]
[And with that we've finally reached the non-linear sections of the area. Well, it would be non-linear if all of the other sections weren't blocked off by things that require various gimmicks and items we don't have yet! Fuck yeah!]
[This jerk wants a Golden Root, which we just so happened to see in the Store back when we were there getting some rocks for the WarpStone...]
[130? Yeah...we won't be seeing this guy again for a loooooong time.]
[These little schmucks (the eyes) will shoot at you, but can be killed by shooting back at them. Wow. Heading down the mountain we try desperately to ignore the great lummoxing anachronisms and discover a furry new friend, the Bafomdad.]
More than my arms hurt, by brain hurts.[Yep, they're fairies in a bottle, basically. You can only hold one for now, but later (like ten minutes) you can hold fucking ten of them. It's no Bioshock Rejuvenation Chamber, but it's close.]
Toll booth, more like tool booth, amirite.
No. No, you aren't.Aw.
[Heading down the tunnel we encounter...]
Sweet, I've never had an enemy kill itself for me.Hah, no such luck here. They're on fire, but they aren't dying. Also, your FIRE Blaster won't hurt them.
Owned.[Of course, you actually have to go into the room to get them to attack you, so we just head further into the tunnels.]
[For the record, SFA has very little loading. The only times that the game loads is when taking off in the Arwing, when using the WarpStone to travel (including the Maze), and when entering Krazoa Shrines. Dinosaur Planet itself is entirely contiguous. From what I can tell, these switch-gates exist to delay the player for a little while so that the game can load the other zone that is connected by the tunnel system. There are several of them (a few can even get you killed!) and they're all relatively simple to get through, but they also get a bit annoying once you've been through it several times. In this one we can just swim down right away because the water is flowing the right way, but when we come back we'll have to do a whole song and dance to get through.]
[And we're finally back!
HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY HOOLY BOOLY! Hey, Slippy, the translator broke.
Uh, no, that's what she's actually saying. Wait, so they were just fucking with me the whole time? Well, duh, Dinosaur is just a replacement cipher. You could figure it out with a goddamned Cracker Jack decoder ring.
[The area now has SharpClaw wandering around. As usual they pose no threat, but if you want a punching bag other than Tricky, you're in luck.]
Contact General Pepper so we can get paid.
Are you sure you've finished down there? The planet's not back together yet. Can't Tricky can do it? Uh, no. The Queen needs my help. Fox out. Is there anything we can do for her? We need to find White GrubTub. My mom gives them to me when I'm not feeling well. Hmm, I hadn't considered shrooms to be a cure for the common cold, but...I'm sold. Let's roll.
Fatass should lay off the regular GrubTubs.
Wait, fuck this. This reeks of mini-dungeon.
So?We have...more important business to take care of.
Ugh.[Shopping Trip (feat. Tally Hally): Viddler]
[Ok, let's cover the Store in a bit more detail. First off, there's an actual UI for bartering, which is pretty neat. However, it's completely without logic. The maps all cost five or ten scarabs, and you can buy them for amounts ranging from 3-5 and 8-10. The problem is there's no logic inherent in deciding which can be bought for cheaper and which can't. He also won't allow you to bid on an item if you don't have money for the maximum even if you only have to pay what you currently have (this happens with the Firefly Lantern; it costs 20 scarabs, I only have 16 so he refuses. I get four more scarabs then only pay 16 to buy the stupid thing). If you attempt to barter a price he deems too low three times in a row he refuses to serve you...until you talk to him again. You can also pay more than you have to, but you'd have to be pretty dumb to do so. Finally, there's a room where you can buy all of the consumable items like health, staff energy, fuel cells, etc. The only thing I could ever imagine buying would be fuel cells. Everything else you can pick up for free outside.]
[Next let's explain the Scarab Room. This is a gambling minigame, except it has terrible payouts. Any time you need money you're better off just saving and reloading the game since you can just scour ThornTail Hollow for easy scarabs. Anyway, the game consists of the ShopKeeper dropping the scarabs you bet along with an equal number of black scarabs. You have to get all of your scarabs in under 30 seconds and without grabbing a black scarab (an instant loss) and then you get double your bet. He also explains the rules every fucking time you play.]
[So, let's tally up the swag we just got:]
- Binoculars: they let you zoom in while in first person mode and give you a compass in degrees.
- Bafomdad Bag: Ten fucking Bafomdads. Seriously. It's pretty easy to get ten, too. You'll be leaving plenty lying on the ground.
- Firefly Lantern: This thing is for holding Fireflies, a 15 second candle. This thing lets you hold 31 of them and while I'm insane enough to completely fill the lantern, I never use them.
- Tricky's Ball: You can toss this around and Tricky will play fetch. Do it enough and Tricky changes colour.
- A map for every fucking zone in the game.
Who came up with this shit?!Brits.
Those snaggle-toothed limeys!